A girl who suffers from both crippling depression and complete degeneracy,
Citrine wants a purpose in life so badly that she'd give her life just to accomplish something of worth...
... even if that 'something' ends up adding her to someone's waistline.
☆ The infamously trashy main character of Ceru! ☆
The alt list linked above answers some questions I frequently receive, so check there first if you're curious about how I operate as both a roleplayer and an artist. :>
If you happen like my art, there's more where that came from. Alternatively, check out the gallery on this profile for more art of Citrine herself, including some pieces drawn by friends of mine!
(Please do not steal or redistribute any of my work, whether it's something displayed here on this profile or something you found in my Eka's gallery. Thank you for your understanding.)
(Thank you to my good friend HoneyAlts for coding this lovely profile layout! ❤)
★ Story ★
Citrine is not a happy girl. No matter the reality, no matter the time period one might encounter her in, that statement is and always will be an irrefutable fact. It is simply the state she exists in, consistently fated to reside within a world that is, from her dismal perspective, cold and uncaring. Death, for her, is typically a preferable outcome to doling out the wretched and pointless existence she has been burdened with. There are many with lives worse than hers, perhaps, but Citrine has simply never been blessed with something to live for.
Why is that, exactly, one might ask?
She is a painfully incompetent young woman, for one. Expectations were always heaped upon her shoulders from a young age, often as a result of her heritage or the comparably extraordinary artistic skills of her twin sister, Cerulesta. Citrine was never able to live up to those expectations. She is an explicitly and thoroughly talentless individual, mediocre at a few select things and abysmal at everything else. Perhaps she could fine-tune her more salvageable attributes if she put forth a genuine, earnest effort, but the time and energy required to accomplish even that much is dishearteningly high, to the point where accepting failure is often an easier alternative. Very little comes naturally to her, and in her youth she couldn't help but compare herself to her far more skilled sister and parents, coming to the unenviable conclusion that she would never amount to anything.
Citrine's defeatist attitude understandably wore on her family while growing up. While her parents were never exactly cruel or oppressive towards her, they did grow neglectful of her once it became apparent that she lacked the resolve to better herself in any way. For reasons that are likely quite obvious, Citrine was never the favored child, and her sister was doted on and given far more affection during their formative years together. While Cerulesta was always kind to Citrine, she spent relatively little personal time with her overall, preferring to keep to herself, her artwork, and her studies. The younger Silva twin, then, regularly went completely ignored-- and after being left alone to stew with the festering concepts of futility and self-loathing for a few years too long, Citrine became unpleasantly gloomy and detached.
Eventually, of course, she left home. The dangerously depressed girl now scrapes by day to day on her lonesome, preferring to avoid the company of others for fear that they will automatically detest her the moment she greets them. She does quietly yearn for friendship, however, much as she stubbornly clings to the belief that no one will ever enjoy being around someone like her. Citrine tends to go by the average person unnoticed, just a passerby with her head kept down, struggling to make it in an unforgiving world that she has found no joy in occupying. Her only real wish, at this point, is that she might be able to accomplish something by dying. Her life, she has resolved, was not given to her with the intent of granting her anything. Clearly, then, the only purpose she can feasibly serve with this existence, this body of hers... is to benefit someone else through her death.
In the end, that is truly all Citrine has to look forward to. But her story is not quite over yet, much as she yearns for it to be. Perhaps someone will come along and reshape her dreary world. Or if not that, perhaps at the very least they might grant her morbid desire... giving purpose to the existence she feels she was mistakenly given.
★ Character ★
Citrine would best be described as someone with an extremely low sense of self-worth, one that borders on nonexistent. She has often been treated as unimpressive, lackluster, and disappointing by her family and peers, and came to accept that kind of judgment a long time ago. Indeed, a large part of her wants people to view her as an expendable object, because that mentality is in line with her personal views. In the back of her mind, she can't help but believe that anyone who treats her kindly is deceiving her, while someone who treats her poorly at least has the decency to be honest.
Thinking nothing of herself, however, also means that Citrine can be a rather selfless and giving person toward those she actually interacts with. She puts forth a token effort to act cheerful (albeit not exactly confident) for the sake of those around her, never hesitating to lend her time or company to someone that she likes, especially since she usually has nothing better to do. Sadly, though, her gloomy attitude has a prevailing tendency to overwhelm her and drag down the mood of many a conversation despite her best efforts. Regardless, her generosity extends even to those that she has met recently, something that can get her into a lot of trouble if she doesn't have a friend around to help keep her naivete in check. This is, fortunately, abated a little bit due to her shyness; she is reluctant to approach strangers, but not so much that she can't talk to them if they feel compelled to greet or comfort her.
While she tries to be amicable by default, it takes quite a bit of convincing for anyone to show Citrine that they actually care about her and value her as an individual. There is no denying that any kind of positive attention delights her as much as the next person; she's just inclined to doubt its validity at first. Over the course of many years, however, the girl has learned to conceal her paranoid beliefs somewhat, so it can be difficult for anyone to pick up on the fact that she has little faith in their true feelings. She really does want friends, though, and she wants to be able to believe that people who are kind to her really are her friends! It's just hard for her. Regardless, there is no denying that Citrine holds them very dear to her heart, and would do anything for her companions... a statement that becomes almost painfully true with regards to those she outright falls for. It is through these special, cherished individuals that she may ultimately find the cure for her despair. Those that she forms true and sincere bonds with may eventually be lucky enough to see another side of her: a Citrine free from the weight of her many burdens, capable of finally finding happiness and worth.
Her grim future is not as set in stone as she thinks! It just takes the right person to rescue her from herself.
★ Miscellaneous ★
♦ Due to her color scheme and the fact that her name is conveniently a few letters off from 'citrus', Citrine is generally associated with lemons. She even has the slight flavor and scent to match, thanks to her choice of bath and body products.
♦ Citrine often carries a shoulder satchel with a number of provisions and supplies in it, since she goes off wandering quite frequently. Items she carries include assorted pet food, oreo cookies, healing ointment, bandages, a change of clothes, pajamas, an umbrella, a six-inch knife, and lots of illicit black market shrinking serum. Y'know. For reasons that aren't at all morally dubious.
♦ It may be hard for Citrine to trust people to legitimately like her, but she has less trouble trusting animals since they're inherently innocent and likely can't understand how incompetent she is. As a result, she adores them. Anything she finds cute (and keep in mind, her perception of what's cute includes some weird shit), even if it's strange, dangerous, or potentially hostile, is liable to earn her undying love. Chances are high that she'll try to adopt any creature that's at least vaguely amiable towards her, regardless of how stupid an idea that may be.
♦ While Citrine is submissive by nature and anything but imposing, she is also mentally unstable and may react very violently in certain situations. These situations are not common, but threatening someone or something she cares about is liable to get you stabbed. Threatening Citrine herself will just make her excited instead.
♦ This character is overwhelmingly intended to be prey, but can be predatory in rare, specific circumstances for friends of mine. Macro/micro endo or clean full tour are the only viable possibilities for her (I'm not comfortable with her digesting anyone, and Citrine herself would be mortified), and the prey must either be eaten completely on accident or willingly ask her to swallow them, in which case she has to like them enough to consider actually doing it. If your character can't work with any of these possibilities, then Citrine cannot play predator for them. Don't ask unless you know me and have a means of making it work.
♦ A pudgier than usual version of Citrine exists which I can play on request, if you like that sort of thing as much as I do. I may use this version in storylines or in public occasionally. ;v;
♦ Alternatively, if a monstergirl version of this character suits your fancy more than the classic flavor, check out Beetrine or Catrine instead!